The G8 Press conference we didn't see...

President Bush walks up to the podium, stumbling only slightly as he climbs the platform stairs. "Good morning ladies and gentlemen," he smirks. "Beautiful day today, so go easy, won'tcha."

The press clamors for attention. President Bush points his finger, "Helen."

"Mr. Bush, "How do you feel about the latest news that global warming is speeding up ocean waves? "

"Sounds like good surfin to me." Bush snickers, press follows.

"No, Mr. President. These are 'global' waves, not... 'surfer' waves... these types of waves could have a serious impact on global weather."

"Of course." Bush paused. "We'll just have wait and see whether we can weather the weather." Grins.

"Mr. President, Mr. President! With nearly the entire scientific community and over 70% of the American public recognizing that global warming is both real and at least partially human-made, are you prepared to work with other nations to bring to fruition a plan that will reverse the predicted effects?"

"Well, as you know, 'predicted effects' aren't really effects at all, are they? I mean... if they're only predicted, that means they don't exist, right? So I'm not sure that it's really wise to take actions and utilize resources to undo something that hasn't even happened or doesn't exist."

"But sir, there have been marked effects from Global climate change -- the most dramatic images come from the Larson B ice shelf, drowning polar bears, melting glaciers, and even Hurrican Katrina."

"The bottom line is that the science is unclear. But as the scientific community closes in on the root of the problem, then we will know what, if anything, needs to be done about it."

"But Mr. President, that simply is not tr..." Bush interrupts, "Make no mistake about it. If there is a force out there that threatens our nation, you can bet that I will be the first one to stand against it."

As the reporter protests, "But..." President Bush cuts in once again, "There are still plenty of good scientists out there willing to stake their reputation on the fact that man-made global warming is a myth."

The press jockeys to ask the next question. Bush nods, "Ben."

"Yes. Mr. President. Thank you. Uh... you stated that -- 'predicted effects aren't really effects at all' and that 'if they're only predicted, that means they don't exist, right? So [you're] not sure that it's really wise to take actions and utilize resources to undo something that hasn't even happened or doesn't exist.' -- And yet there seemed to be little hesitation to invade Iraq in order to recover weapons of mass destruction that did not exist -- that were only speculated to be there. You took the action and 'utilized' the resources that will likely include hundreds of billions of dollars, thousands of US lives, America's global reputation, and nearly all the Republican's political capital. Was that wise?"

"You simply can't compare the two," Bush barked. "Saddam Hussein was a grave threat to our nation. 911 taught us that you must take such threats seriously and that they must be dealt with in no uncertain terms. Terrorists are a threat to our livelihood. They are a threat to your children. You can hardly compare that to slightly warmer temperatures over the next 50 years."

"But Mr. President, don't you think it's hypocritical to preempt one perceived threat with an unimaginable amount of American resources while totally ignoring another threat that could feasibly -- even likely be more devastating to our well-being over the long haul?"

"That remains to be seen, Ben. Next."

"Oh, oh, oh -- Mr. Presi..."

"Yes, Mary."

"Mr. President, What about one of the other perceived threats -- Iran. Are you prepared to invade Iran if they continue to rebuke U.S. demands to cease uranium enrichment?"

"Diplomacy, Mary... diplomacy is always the first line of defense. It is always the first line of offense. It is the first way to negotiate building a fence. Anyhow, we have no plans for any military action against Iran or any other nation at this time."

"Yes sir, but... but then why did you move an additional Carrier Strike group to the waters off the coast of Iran? Why did one of your senior administration officials say that your omission of the usual wording about seeking a diplomatic solution to the Iranian nuclear stand-off 'was not an accident'? And why did you recently author new covert action against Iran?

"We always stand prepared for any development. That is our right. That is our responsibility. Those things simply illustrate the readiness of our military men and women... And to be completely frank, that just happens to be our 'Plan B'."

"That's right, all you folks out there didn't think we had one, did ya? Well, you better believe we do.. and it's a doozy alright."

"Remember all that complainin' you all did about global warming -- about the higher temperatures we might get? And you see all this hornswagglin' around Iran -- a known terrorist supporting nation with a likin' for nukular weapons? And you know that Iran isn't the only one. North Korea... they got nukes. And what about Pakistan? You think we're happy about them not lettin' us in to take out Bin Ladin -- and all while their scientist fella... whatsisname... M. Kwan... A.Q. Khan...whatever... is out there peddlin' atomic secrets to the entire axis of evil and other undesirables?. Well what if both our concerns were to come to fruition? Huh? What if the things that you think might happen AND the things that I think might happen actually happen. Huh? What then? Well, we think we have the answer. We have the solutions to both our concerns. And it goes a little something like this..."

Bush continues, "Here's a little science for ya. Seems scientist -- maybe some of the same ones that do global warming -- have discovered something else of interest -- something that would take care of all the nastiness that we discussed before. It goes something like this...(pulls out a piece of paper from his pocket -- fumblingly unfolds.) According to scientist Alan Robock of Rutgers University:

...A regional nuclear conflict would lower global temperatures for a decade.

"A decade!" bursts Bush, "That's a long time in my book. -- and I'm thinking of three regions. That means 30 years of lower global temperatures that could offset your global warming -- if it were to come real. And this prediction comes from the "Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change" so that should appeal to all of you who like global warming and international cooperation. Anyway...

They found that the blasts would loft up to 5 million tonnes of black carbon soot into the atmosphere, lowering global temperatures by 1.4 °C.

"1.4 degrees Celsius lower! Isn't that about how much you all say the climate is going to rise? Sounds like a match made in heaven!"

"That would take care of both our problems, but that's to be expected cause I'm a uniter, not a divider -- always have been. Always will be."

The press goes nuts shouting wildly, one atop the other..."Mr. President!!!!" "President Bush" "Sir" "How could..." ""What if..." "Are you Serious?"

Bush responds as he swaggers off the stage, confident that his mission is complete, "Thank you ladies and gentlemen. Have a great day!"